Ok, what do you think of when “Oakland” comes to mind? Well, me save you the trouble, sex isn’t one of those things on your list. Not only that, but a Google search for “Oakland” and a look at the bottom most searched terms not only fails to mention “Oakland sex” but, overall, paints a really dismal picture of the City of Oakland:
oakland california ghetto
oakland to san francisco
oakland ca county
oakland cemetery events
So, from that list, people are either afraid of getting mugged in City of Oakland, think it’s a ghetto, or are trying to get to San Francisco, or looking for a place to be buried. It just may be that such a take is from folks like the racist San Francisco woman I sat next to at Lake Chalet (@LakeChalet) while watching the 2019 NBA Finals, but that’s another story (and no slam against one of my favorite sexy places to vlog in Oakland).
Thankfully, the real truth is known to us Oaklanders: Oakland’s a sexy city of people who like to have sex. Like at the Radio Bar, among other places.
And Lake Merritt Oakland’s a sexy part of a sexy city that’s Oakland.
We know this, and we also know that in a very uptight Oakland society of people who are moving in to our neighborhoods and bringing their #BBQBecky racist ways with them, we have to have special lists of places to go and have sex that aren’t home. Why?
Well, because you don’t want to be the focus of some Nextdoor post where the Oakland Angry Adams Point Lonely Guy blasts some couple that might be you for having loud sex at home, right?
And when Oakland Angry Adams Point Lonely Guy whines on Nextdoor or Facebook, that brings attention from other neighbors who want to join in. With you. In the sexy action. All you were doing was having some fun with your lover.
So have no fear, Zennie Abraham and Oakland News Now are here, and with a list of places you and yours can go to have sex in secret. And for some of you who think of using your car, well, even that has its complications, today. But here’s the list – some of the places this blogger has personally tried over the years, the majority on the list were known to have been used by friends and neighbors.
Secret Oakland Sex Place Number One: Under The Big Bench Table In The Alley Cat Bar Oakland
If you’ve ever been to the national institution that is the professional home of the late Rod Dibble, The Alley Cat Bar at 3325 Grand Avenue, just a turn left after you walk in the door and a 7 foot walk and head turn to the left will reveal the coolest place to eat, drink, or have secret sex in the Lake Merritt Area. It’s designed as a kind of nook, and you have to step up to it – it’s pushed back and away from side view and it’s as far away as you can get from the busy piano bar without leaving the place.
The number of couples who’ve gotten busy in that part of The Alley Cat Bar is large and not officially counted. But one thing’s for sure: once the crowd thins out after, say, 1 AM, that nook provides the best place fo a little under the table sexy fun. I recall (the Alley Cat in Fall) one couple was laying down on the back bench of the nook, going to town in hump action, as we were all singing. (And no, the singers didn’t notice, but I did because I happened to take a distant gander and wondered what was up. I kept it to myself.)
Secret Oakland Sex Place Number Two: The Back, Side, Rear Right Of Theater One At The Grand Lake Theater
The Grand Lake Theater at 3200 Lake Park Avenue near Lake Merritt, is the best movie house in the World, and it’s also one of the best places to take a date or your lover or significant other. There are two places in The
which have made this list. The first one is the inside of Theater One. And on the right side entrance. In back. Way back. In the corner.
That area is not the best place to sit to watch a movie in the best movie house in the World. Because of that, it provides a great deal of privacy – even during blockbuster movies or popular shows. But the best kind of movie to pick is a horror movie or thriller after its first week at the Grand Lake. After that, no one’s there, and you can sit back there and get it on during the movie with little fear of being seen or interrupted.
So, number two on this list is The Back, Side, Rear Right Of Theater One at The Grand Lake Theater.
Secret Oakland Sex Place Number Three: The Balcony Of Theater Four At The Grand Lake Theater
This might be the best other place to go, and maybe it should be number one, but for one problem. Even though the The Balcony Of Theater Four at The Grand Lake Theater is a great place to get it on, it’s also small. The balcony is about four rows deep, and while it’s long and wide, it has its own stair way, and people tend to come up to the second floor just to see what’s happening.
That’s one of those situations where you have to pick the movie that people aren’t seeing, then make sure its in Theater Four before you get tickets and go over. But, if you and yours find your randy selves at Theater Four and there’s no one around, you’re not going to see as much of that awful movie as you will of each other.
Secret Oakland Sex Place Number Four: The Balcony Of The Paramount Theater In Downtown Oakland During A Bad Movie
The historic Paramount Theater at 2025 Broadway in Uptown Oakland marks the fouth place on our list of Secret Oakland Sex Places. But, once again, you have to go in with a plan. The Paramount Theater had a movie series in the Summer of 2018, and still occasionally shows flicks. Keep an eye on the schedule, pick and event, and then make sure you and yours go all the way up the balcony stairs and to the top most seats. Why? Because no one else but you two will be up there, that’s why.
So, number four on this list is the historic Paramount Theater, balcony, during a movie.
Secret Oakland Sex Place Number Five: Your Car, South Oakland Hills, Street With A View, No Home
There are a number of places in the South Oakland Hills (defined as above 1-13, The Warren Freeway, and above I-580 and south of 35th Avenue / Redwood Road, where a couple with a car can get it on. The problem is modern society is a sad one: you don’t want to get stopped by an Oakland Police Officer who may think you’re camping out in your car.
And while there’s nothing wrong with that in this blogger’s view, we have some neurotic types who just seem bent on making life hard for other people in Oakland. (Just look at the Insight Terminal Solutions deal.) The South Oakland Hills provides the needed freedom from eyes and public harrassment that defines a sexy city.
Finally, after you’ve went to one of these places to have sexy fun, if it’s September 5th, go over and see my friend Lyda (AKA Katie Robbins) perform at the Uptown in Oakland, Thursday, September 5th, 7 PM at 1928 Telegraph Ave. I love her music, and here’s a sample from her recent time as Official Music Artist of Zennie62Media at CES 2019: link.
So, if you know of some sexy places in Oakland (and Oakland Mayor Libby Schaaf should chime in here), offer up the suggestions and I’ll add them to a new list!
Zennie Abraham is the CEO of Zennie62Media